George Washington

Sayings

Associate yourself with men of good quality if you esteem
your own reputation; for 'tis better to be alone than in bad company.
- George Washington


Sayings

Dog for Protection

Dog for Protection

My sister, a truck driver, had decided to get a dog for protection.

As she inspected a likely candidate, the trainer told her, "He doesn't like men." Perfect, my sister thought, and took the dog.

Then one day, two men in a parking lot approached her, and she watched to see how her canine bodyguard would react.

Soon it became clear that the trainer wasn't kidding. As the men got closer, the dog ran under the nearest car.

I Love Mustard

I Love Mustard. (This is a true story. If you have children you will probably
relate to this father.)
As ham sandwiches go, it was perfection: a thick slab of ham on a fresh bun with
crisp lettuce and plenty of expensive, light brown, gourmet mustard.
The corners of my jaw aching in anticipation, I carried it to the table in our
backyard, picked it up with both hands but was stopped by my wife suddenly at my
side.
"Here, hold Johnny (our six-week-old son) while I get my sandwich," she said.
I had him balanced between my left elbow and shoulder and was reaching again for
the ham sandwich when I noticed a streak of mustard on my fingers.
I love mustard. I had no napkin. I licked it off. It was not mustard.
No man ever put a baby down faster. It was the first and only time I have
sprinted with my tongue protruding.
Wi th a washcloth in each hand, I did the sort of routine shoeshine boys do;
only I did it on my tongue.
Later, after she stopped crying from laughing so hard, my wife said, "Now you
know why they call that fancy mustard . . ."Poupon."

Lumbercamp Falls Skillet

Lumbercamp Falls Skillet

Ingredients
2 slices bacon
3 medium round red potatoes (1 pound), thinly sliced
1 medium red or green sweet pepper, cut into 1/2-inch strips (1 cup)
1 cup chopped onion
1/4 teaspoon salt
1/8 teaspoon cayenne pepper
1/8 teaspoon ground black pepper
1 pound cooked smoked andouille or sausage links, cut into 1/2-inch
slices
1 10-ounce package frozen whole kernel corn

Directions
1. In a very large skillet, cook bacon till crisp. Remove bacon,
reserving bacon drippings. Drain bacon on paper towels. Crumble bacon;
set aside.

2. Add potatoes to skillet. Cook and stir over medium heat for 5
minutes. Add sweet pepper and onion. Sprinkle with salt, cayenne, and
black pepper. Cook and stir for 8 minutes more. Add sausage and corn.
Cook and stir for 8 to 10 minutes more or till potatoes are tender and
browned. Sprinkle with reserved crumbled bacon. Serve immediately. Makes
6 servings.

North Dakota Null Hypothesis Brain Inventory

North Dakota Null Hypothesis Brain Inventory
(The NDNI is of unknown origin (dates back to at least 1964). It is a
parody of the Minnesota Multiphastic Personality Inventory [MMPI].)

Answer True or False to the following questions:

1. Chopped liver makes me laugh.
2. As an infant, I had very few hobbies.
3. Some people never look at me.
4. I sometimes feel that my earlobes are longer than those of other people.
5. I often fart in crowds.
6. Dirty stories make me think about sex.
7. I am anxious in rooms that have hairy walls.
8. I have never eaten a fly.
9. As an infant, I hated chopped liver.
10. I have killed mosquitoes.
11. I am never startled by a fish.
12. I have never gone to pieces over the weekend.
13. My parents always faced catastrophe with a song.
14. Recently, I have been getting shorter.
15. I have taken shoe polish to excess.
16. I have always been disturbed by the size of Lincoln's ears.
17. Most of the time I go to sleep without saying good bye.
18. I am not afraid of picking up door knobs.
19. I stay in the bathtub until I look like a raisin.
20. Frantic screams make me nervous.
21. I salivate at the sight of mittens.
22. If I go into the street, I'm apt to be bitten by a horse.
23. Spinach makes me feel alone.
24. When I look down from a high spot, I want to spit.
25. It makes me embarrassed to fall down.
26. I get nauseous from too much roller skating.
27. I am bored by thoughts of death.
28. My mother's uncle was a good man.
29. People who break the law are wise guys.
30. I think beavers work too hard.
31. I always let people get ahead of me at swimming pools.
25. Most of the time I go to sleep without saying goodbye.
26. I believe I smell as good as most people.
28. It's hard for me to say the right thing when I find myself in a
room full of mice.
29. I would never tell my nickname in a crisis.
30. A wide necktie is a sign of disease.
31. As a child I was deprived of licorice.
32. I would never shake hands with a gardener.
33. My eyes are always cold.

The Sign

The Sign

A priest and pastor from the local churches are standing by the side
of the road pounding a sign into the ground that reads,

The End is Near!
Turn yourself around now!
Before it's too late!

"Leave us alone you religious nuts!" yelled a driver as he sped by.

From around the curve they heard screeching tires and a big splash.

The pastor turns to the priest and asks, "Do you think our sign
should just say 'Bridge Out'?"

Wealthy Man and Spaghetti

Wealthy Man and Spaghetti


Several decades ago, a wealthy man was having an affair with an Italian woman for a long time.

One night, during one of their rendezvous, she confided in him that she was pregnant. Not wanting to ruin his reputation or his marriage, he paid her a large sum of money if she would go to Italy to secretly have the child. If she stayed in Italy to raise the child, he would also provide child support until the child turned 18. She agreed, but asked how he would know when the baby was born. To keep it discrete, he told her to simply mail him a post card, and write "Spaghetti" on the back. He would then arrange for child support payments to begin.

One day, about 9 months later, he came home to his confused wife. "Honey," she said, "you received a very strange post card today." "Oh, just give it to me and I'll explain it later," he said. The wife obeyed, and watched as her husband read the card, turned white, and fainted.

On the card was written: "Spaghetti, Spaghetti, Spaghetti. One with meatballs, two without."